Let's get serious for a second

I'm currently very bothered by something, so I thought what the hell let me get it out. To sum it up ...... I'm sick of being paranoid. Paranoid that everyone is out to hurt me. I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious. The problem lies in when caution starts to dictate your every move which can be straining. So I'm in this "thing". Yeah that's the adjective I use because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. The only thing that continually comes to mind is motion without emotion. I'm acting without thought or feeling. It's all just shocking to me because this isn't who am I. Somewhere along the line I must have decided devoted, heart on my sleeve, Kim got stomped on so let's try heartless soul sucker for a change. It's not that I don't genuinely like this guy... I want to be old bubbly Kim and I think I could under the right circumstances. What would be the right circumstances? A nice start would be actually knowing what the hell his agenda is. What does he want from me? Is he out for something special or just a bed warmer until he gets over the ex. So honestly what do I think he wants? I'd lean towards somebody to mess with but no strings attached. Man I'm that chick that thinks all guys are scum just looking for a piece. So I guess it is hard for me to put anybody in a positive light. Please the last thing I want to think is I'm another friend with benefits... God let me vomit now. But am I asking for anything more?...No not exactly. Am I willing to risk the safety of being alone to go after something that could be good? I'll tell ya what kills me " Oh just have a don't care attitude and do what makes you happy." Oh yeah that sounds super in theory, but find a way where that shit actually works. LOL technically I guess that looks like what I'm trying to perfect right now by refusing to grow a pair and confront this guy about my growing frustration about this pseudo connection. (Tsk Tsk) Girls always trying to label things. Well F it I need a label because I'm too scared to put effort into something that gets me used again or puts me out there for another good slam. Gotta take a chance if you want to succeed. See I can spout out all the classic shitty advice but at the same time I realize it's all crap and not helping me a bit. How much you wanna bet I never find out what I want. Longevity has never been my strong suit, and it's not like I've been acting sane lately. Man I wouldn't wanna spend time with me the way I've been acting lately. I guess the question for myself is why did I go after this guy in the first place if I didn't think I could handle it? Yeah well I guess I was banking on him not being interested which makes GAD girl have a lot less worry. Come on we all know I love the chase but never have an equally astonishing follow through. Bottom line..... Fingers crossed my old self can find its way out of it's dark hole and make the best out of what this situation has given me. A golden opportunity should never be wasted. And I'll exit on that high note.